Giving and taking feedback | dstill.ai shared chat

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Giving and taking feedback

When it comes to giving and receiving feedback, there are a few strategies that can be helpful.

One approach is the bullseye question, where you and your partner take turns asking each other, "What's one thing I did right today?" and "What's one thing I could have done better?" . The key is to respond to the feedback with a simple "thank you" and take time to reflect on the feedback .

Reframing feedback as an opportunity for personal development can also be helpful. Our partner's feedback is valuable because they see us in ways no one else does and they can offer constructive feedback from a place of care and understanding . By reframing feedback as a gift and an opportunity for growth, we can approach it with less defensiveness .

It's important to create a safe space for feedback and to establish regular times for giving and receiving feedback, such as daily check-ins or designated times during the week . This allows for open communication and reduces the likelihood of blindsiding our partners with unsolicited feedback .

Remember that feedback is not just about criticism, but also about highlighting the positive aspects of your relationship. Adding a question like "What's one thing I did right today?" can infuse positivity into the relationship and help balance out the constructive feedback .

Lastly, it's important to give feedback in a respectful and empathetic manner. Offering empathy and understanding before providing feedback can create a safe and open environment for communication . And when receiving feedback, give yourself some physical and mental space to process it before responding . You have the freedom to decide which parts of the feedback resonate with you and what you want to work on .

Remember that feedback is a valuable tool for personal growth and strengthening your relationship.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): And you're just going to kind of sift through that feedback, and you're searching for the kernel of truth. Like, what's the piece of this feedback that I feel is legit? What's the part that I feel guilty of? What's the component of their feedback that I know in my heart of hearts I could do better on? And you're in control of that. So the person giving the feedback gets to decide what that is. And because of that, it sidesteps defensiveness. Because you don't have to defend, you don't have to justify. A lot of times what defensiveness is, is when we get constructive feedback, feeling like we have to swallow it. But with this approach, just saying thank you for the feedback, then I'm in charge of what part of the feedback I'm gonna discern and what I'm going to think through and what I get to decide what I'm going to work on, now there's no reason to get defensive. And sometimes I may feel like none of that was my fault, because that was just circumstantial. Other times I might think, oh, that was my fault. I got to really work on that. But most of the time, it's going to be somewhere in the middle where some of it was my fault, some of it wasn't. But the part that was, that's the piece I can work on. And because I'm in control of that process, I don't have to get defensive and my follow through rate is going to go way up because no one's telling me what to do or how to do it. I get to choose and decide and then my internal motivation is going to be higher to do something about it.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): However, there's this other camp. Those are the behaviors that directly do impact us, and those things do need to be expressed at some point.

Chase Kosterlitz: So let's talk about those kinds of behaviors. What's the first step to bringing up that conversation?

(someone): So I teach couples a tool called the bullseye question for this. And what the bullseye question is, is you get into a habit of more days than not. You have a rhythm around the same time every day, where you take turns asking each other the following questions. What's one thing I did right today? And what's one thing I could have done better? And there's a ground rule before we unpack this. The ground rule is all you're allowed to say in response is thank you for the feedback. Now, if you have a question, a clarifying question, you don't quite understand what they're saying, you can ask a clarifying question, as long as it's not camouflaged for really being defensive. But as long as it's really a sincere question, you're confused on their feedback, you can ask a clarifying question. And then again, all you can say is thank you for the feedback. Now, once you get that feedback, this is where a lot of work occurs, because then you take their feedback, and you're going to mull it over for the next 12 hours, day, two days, And you're just going to kind of sift through that feedback, and you're searching for the kernel of truth. Like, what's the piece of this feedback that I feel is legit?

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): But we don't want to hear it because we don't want to feel criticized. And then what happens is they get fed up and eventually criticize us and tell us constructive feedback, and then we're blindsided. So it's a big issue for a lot of couples. But if we could re reframe it and approach in a different way, it actually can become one of the biggest, valuable things our partner can provide us.

Chase Kosterlitz: That's a good foundation for us to start. So I want to talk about the reframing. But before we get there, one of the things I think about is if we're in partnership, we're going to constantly be faced with challenges and our partner is going to say things that hurt us. Now, we don't want to stuff that down and not bring it up and not communicate around it. But I also think the other end of the spectrum of just always processing our feelings about something our partner did or said in my own personal experience is not super helpful. So can you talk a little bit about when we can maybe process something ourselves and maybe when that's appropriate. And then we'll dive into the dialogue and the constructive feedback system.

(someone): Yeah, I mean, there's a difference between parts of our partner that maybe bother us or are frustrating, but they're just a part of our partner's temperament and how they're wired. And those types of topics, those traits don't necessarily hurt our feelings or prevent our needs from being met. It's just part of the idiosyncrasies of our partner that maybe we don't prefer.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): But if you have this bullseye rhythm in place, it gives you a chance to stick the finger right on the valve to let some air out. and so that things don't build up, things don't accumulate, there's no snowballing anymore of all the stuff under the hood that no one is speaking to. And often just getting it out, just being able to say what hurt our feelings or saying what our partner did that made us feel a certain way, just being able to articulate it without our partner getting defensive is very cathartic, very healing, and something that almost no one experiences in a relationship, it's very rare. And that creates safety. And after time, as long as your partner is following the ground rule, you'll start feeling safe. Like it's safe for me to share what I really feel. And most partners don't feel that most partners feel unsafe, because they don't want to start a fight, they don't want their partner to get defensive, so they just hold it in. So it's a game changer to practice that rhythm. And then the last thing I was going to say about it is When you ask, what's one thing I did right? And what's one thing I could have done better? You're coming from a position of power because you're asking for it. And psychologically, that's a completely different experience compared to getting that feedback unsolicited. Because that catches you off guard. You're not in a position of power, you're actually in a position of powerlessness. But when you ask for the feedback, automatically, you're going to receive it better because you're the one asking for it.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

Chase Kosterlitz: Enjoy the show and have a beautiful day. Hi, Dr. Wyatt. Thanks so much for joining me on the show today.

(someone): Hi, Chase. Yes. Thanks for having me.

Chase Kosterlitz: Today, we're going to talk about constructive feedback. So I thought a good place for us to start would be having you tell our listeners what exactly that looks like, why we don't always enjoy receiving it, and how we can give it better.

(someone): Yeah, so constructive feedback refers to anytime our feelings get hurt, anytime we feel offended, anytime we feel disrespected, you know, what do we do with those feelings? And often we don't know what to do. And so we either stuff it, and then it comes out and passive aggressive behavior, or we pull away and withdraw or we attack. And none of those are good options, because they don't lead to good results for our relationship, and our partner doesn't respond well. But this is where we're missing a tool, we're missing a skill set on what do you do with constructive feedback. And it's unfortunate, because your partner is your biggest asset for personal development, because they see you like no one else does. They see all your highs, your lows, they see what words come out your mouth, they see all your behaviors. Therefore, they're in the best position to offer constructive feedback. But we don't want to hear it because we don't want to feel criticized. And then what happens is they get fed up and eventually criticize us and tell us constructive feedback, and then we're blindsided.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): If I blindside them and say it without them seeing it coming, I'm going to get the opposite of that. However, if I can hold off and wait until this bullseye time, then they know what we're doing. They know that's time to give and receive constructive feedback. They're not going to be caught off guard. And they're going to give me some as well. And so they're going to receive it better. And if we follow that ground rule, all they're going to say in response is thank you for the feedback. So it's in our best interest, if we're the one giving the complaint, to remind ourselves, if I say it now, it's a blindside, I'm probably flooded. And it's in my best interest to say it during the bullseye to know it's going to optimize the response back.

Sarah Kosterlitz: Before we continue on, we're going to take a short break to tell you about our sponsors.

Chase Kosterlitz: Is there space in a relationship or is it healthy to provide constructive feedback that's not related to the relationship? Let's say we're observing something our partner is doing with work. And obviously nothing's in a vacuum. It could be affecting us. It likely would be if our partner is super stressed at work. They're really angry at their boss and they're bringing that into the relationship. We can address that on the relationship level. But what if we want to kind of

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): The positivity angle to this is actually very legit and very authentic. And it's not related to the constructive feedback you're about ready to give them. Sometimes it might be but most of the time it's not. And so it's not like a strategy to get them ready for the constructive feedback or a manipulative motive so that they can hear my constructive feedback. It's really not that at all. It's really about you actually do good things. I just don't tell you what they are. And I do good things. You probably don't tell me what they are. And so let's integrate that as a regular habit into our relationship for no other reason than it's good for both of us to highlight the good stuff.

Chase Kosterlitz: So this is a great exercise that people can apply to their relationship. What if it just comes up in real time? You know, someone says something that hurt us, and we feel like we want to address it there. What would you say in that situation?

(someone): Yeah, most of the time, I would say, as much as possible, don't bring it up in the moment. Because in the moment, if your need isn't getting met or your feelings just got hurt, you're going to be flooded. And when you're flooded, you're not going to handle yourself well. You're going to say things sharper, you might escalate, you might get disrespectful, and now you're having a fight. And so the nice thing with the bullseye question

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): You're going to say things sharper, you might escalate, you might get disrespectful, and now you're having a fight. And so the nice thing with the bullseye question is if you know, like, oh, yeah, we have this rhythm every night around dinner, or every night after we put the kids to bed, or every morning when we have coffee, we do this bullseye thing. Therefore, when something does pop up throughout the day, you can remind yourself in that moment, I don't have to bring it up right now. Because I can bring this up in our bullseye, it's going to go much better, I won't be flooded anymore, give me time to cool off. And my partner won't be blindsided. Because that's exactly what happens. Your feelings get hurt, your need isn't met, etc. And then we feel like either stuff it, or I'm going to tell them right now. And when you tell them in the moment, that's a blind side. And your partner is not going to respond well to a blind side. They're absolutely going to defend themselves, they'll probably escalate in response, or shut down and stonewall. And that's not the response you want. And so you have to think through, if I have a complaint to make, It's in my best interest to do it in a way that's going to maximize my partner's response. If I blindside them and say it without them seeing it coming, I'm going to get the opposite of that. However, if I can hold off and wait until this bullseye time, then they know what we're doing.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): You're not in a position of power, you're actually in a position of powerlessness. But when you ask for the feedback, automatically, you're going to receive it better because you're the one asking for it. And your partner is going to be much more gentle with how they give it because you're asking. And so that's some other angles that make the bullseye so helpful.

Chase Kosterlitz: I love it, Dr. Wyatt. I certainly look forward to applying this in my life and I think our listeners will too. So thank you so much for sharing. Before we wrap up, can you tell our listeners where they can find you online?

(someone): Sure. Yeah, my podcast is the best way to find me. It's the Dr. Wyatt Show podcast. I usually put out a podcast once a week. They're usually pretty short, around 15 minutes, really practical. So that's a great way, the Dr. Wyatt Show podcast. You also can go to my website, drwyattfisher.com. I'm also on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube. And my handle is marriage underscore Dr. Wyatt.

Chase Kosterlitz: Well, thank you so much. We'll have those links in our show notes and on our website. And thanks for taking the time to come on the show.

(someone): No problem. Thanks, Chase.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

Chase Kosterlitz: We can address that on the relationship level. But what if we want to kind of offer constructive feedback of like, hey, maybe think about this as it relates to navigating this issue at work. What does that look like?

(someone): Yeah, so that starts to get into another sphere when it's, you know, wanting to give our partner advice, because that's more about advice giving. You know, you hear your partner talking about something, they're venting, or you see a blind spot with them doing something, you're like, hey, you should do this, or hey, have you thought of this? You should try that. you know, is when it when it impacts you, like their behavior hurts you impacts you, you know, sometimes some thing about their behavior is going to come back to impact you. That's definitely the bullseye time. If it's something over and beyond that, it would more likely fall into the category of advice giving. And when it comes to advice giving, You only want to highlight, like give advice, unsolicited advice, when it's like the stakes are really high. Like it's a massive blind spot, you know, your partner's about ready to drive into a pothole, you know, like, hey, be careful because of X, Y, and Z, just food for thought. Like, you only want to do that very sparingly. And instead, the ideal approach when your partner is venting is you just provide empathy, and you only give advice if they ask. Because no one likes unsolicited feedback, unsolicited advice.

11

350: Top Sexual Communication Practices

Relationship Advice

(someone): conversation all the time. And just like, yeah, I just thought it's an interesting question. And then just wait and see if the other person's like, well, I think we're doing good. Then you can start the conversation by sharing your perspective. Or you can ask another question like, what do you think I can do more of to pleasure you? which is an amazing question that everyone should be asking in their relationship. So for those of you that are listening, if you've never asked this before, please do because it allows your partner this room where you're soliciting feedback. People are so afraid to give sex feedback because sex, again, is very personal. Right? Our sex life and our sexual identity and how quote unquote good we are at sex becomes a very personal thing, especially in studies show for men. Men are easily offended when you give them feedback about their sexual performance. So it has to become a repertoire in a relationship where sexual communication and feedback is welcomed. So if it has never happened before, it takes a courageous person to start asking.

Chase Kosterlitz: What would you tell someone who says, you know, what can I do more to pleasure you? And let's say it's a female that asks that question. That seems a bit easier. Like you said, men may tend to be more easily offended. So if it's the other way, and a man asks that after the female asks it, and the man starts to get defensive when the woman says, well, you could do this, this, and this, and how can they,

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

Chase Kosterlitz: Yeah, it's like you could still solve the problem, but from a empathetic standpoint. So that's super valuable. Are there any other kind of hacks like that that you might tell your clients when it comes to these kind of dialogues?

(someone): Two other comments I was going to say earlier about the bullseye, going back to the constructive feedback. The one reason it's helpful to buy into this concept of having ideally daily, or at least more days than not, time to ask each other, hey, what's one day I did right? What's one day I could have done better? One reason that's so helpful is because it allows for a daily release. Because often things do build up. Our partner does something on Monday that hurt our feelings. And now it's Tuesday and they did something that irritated us or our need wasn't met. And now it's Wednesday and something else happens. And before you know it, there's this snowball effect going on inside of you. And then you're really going to either be at risk for attacking, blowing up, or shutting down and pulling away. But if you have this bullseye, think of it as a tire, and every day there's air getting pumped into the tire. And that's like the stress of the relationship and things your partner is doing that's hitting you wrong. But if you have this bullseye rhythm in place, it gives you a chance to stick the finger right on the valve to let some air out. and so that things don't build up, things don't accumulate, there's no snowballing anymore of all the stuff under the hood that no one is speaking to.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): Or when you ask that question, it forces your partner to look for the good stuff. And maybe they tend to not look for the good stuff, or maybe they have noticed it, but they haven't commented on it. So that's good for both partners, because it's good for us to have to look for the good stuff. And obviously, it's good for our partner to hear the good stuff. And so that is the other element to this, because you're not just asking for the constructive feedback, but you're also asking, hey, what's one thing I did right today. And that just increases, it's like this huge infusion of positivity into the relationship, because now you're not just focused on the growth, but also the good. And that creates a huge buffer and allows us to then hear the constructive feedback better, because we're also getting appreciation and we're also getting affirmation. And that just greases the wheels before you get that constructive feedback.

Chase Kosterlitz: I love that. And I think in the space of improving ourselves, improving our relationships, it's so important to remember that. At least for myself, it feels that way because a lot of the stuff we talk about is how to argue better and resolve conflict and kind of navigate the more difficult conversations and relationships. And we need those tools, but a lot of that I don't want to say like, it's very important, but it can almost be more important or equally important to just have positivity, to focus on the good things, because that can kind of, I'm not saying put away the conflict, but it can kind of make it way easier to navigate the conflict, you know? Because if you're filling up that positivity cup,

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): And because I'm in control of that process, I don't have to get defensive and my follow through rate is going to go way up because no one's telling me what to do or how to do it. I get to choose and decide and then my internal motivation is going to be higher to do something about it.

Chase Kosterlitz: Can you talk a little bit about the inner dialogue that can go on when our partner has given us one thing that we could have done better? And I imagine, I'm speaking for myself, but I imagine others like our natural inclination is to maybe defend ourselves or, you know, we think about it and then we go, No, I don't really see it that way. And obviously, that's an important exercise to pull back and try not to be defensive and examine it. But what can we really ask ourselves to get underneath that ego, that feeling of wanting to defend ourselves or wanting to be like, well, no, this is why my partner has it wrong.

(someone): Yeah, I think the first step is having just physical space from your partner after you get the feedback. Because it is very difficult to stand there and have your partner say, Well, here's, here's the one thing that you could have done better. It is hard to bite our tongue and not justify why we did it or explain how we didn't mean it that way. But that's why that ground rule is so critical. So I think it's just important to remind yourself in that moment, I don't have to agree with all this, I get to decide in my own time, what part of this feedback is legit. And so just reminding yourself of that freedom is very liberating and very important. And then when you have that physical space, that's when the guard goes down.

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389: Giving And Receiving Constructive Feedback

Relationship Advice

(someone): But yeah, there is no requirement of looping back and telling your partner what you concluded, because that would create some pressure that I think could backfire on that freedom if you get to choose what part, and if anything, you feel like is legit.

Chase Kosterlitz: That makes sense. So is that kind of the completion of this exercise? Is there anything we skipped over or you want to emphasize?

(someone): Yeah, a couple other parts. One thing is that it goes both ways. So this is not just one partner saying, hey, what's funny, I did right, what's funny, I could have done better. When they say that, and then they get the feedback, then their partner is going to ask them the same question. And so that's a really nice element, because it levels the playing field. A lot of times couples have one partner who tends to give more constructive feedback than the other. But this provides an opportunity for both partners to do it. So it's even, and it feels fair. And it feels like, hey, we're both going to give and receive feedback. And so that's a nice element to it so that it goes both directions. And it's amazing how seldom it is to highlight the good stuff. You know, most couples are guilty of hyper focusing on the bad and glossing over the good. And so this is another advantage to doing this is when you get asked, what's one thing I did right today? Or when you ask that question, it forces your partner to look for the good stuff. And maybe they tend to not look for the good stuff, or maybe they have noticed it, but they haven't commented on it.