00:05:00 Jay Shetty: Then there was an up-and-coming actress. She finally landed a part on a television pilot. The show was picked up for production, but she was not. Her part was recast, then she landed another pilot, and the same thing happened again. The show was purchased for production, only without her. She was replaced by another actor. It was discouraging, to say the least. For most of us, any of these situations would be enough to wreck our self-confidence. We've heard the old saying, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That sounds great, but it's not that easy, right? Similarly, I've heard people say, to build your confidence, you just need to do things, to try them and keep trying. There's some truth to that, for sure. But for most of us, especially if we've had the experiences, anything like those three stories I just shared with you, it's not so simple. That's myth number one about building confidence. That we can just do it. We can just try it. Here's the truth. There isn't one way to confidence. And most of us can't just do it. Because building confidence has two distinct components. And we have to pay attention to both if we want to be successful.

00:07:27 Jay Shetty: I have a friend who is really scared of getting on stage, as so many of us are. And yet, lots of her friends told her that she was really funny and should try an open mic night. And as afraid as she was of getting up there and no one laughing, she really wanted to try it. So she got some information about a local storytelling show and she wrote her story. But she was still really nervous. What if she forgot? She couldn't use notes. What if she got distracted and lost her place? So she started using every free moment she had to practice her story. but she didn't just keep going over it. She noticed the parts where she was most likely to get stuck and practiced those more. And she not only practiced her words, but she also practiced keeping her focus, which is a separate skill. She practiced it at times and in places where she was likely to be distracted, like in the kitchen while cooking a meal or while commuting, so she could have the experience of having to pause, then picking up where she left off. When it came time to finally perform the story in front of a live audience of hundreds, it was a big success. And even though she often had to take unplanned pauses to account for the laughter, she never lost her place. She created confidence through precise practice. By the time they were announcing her on stage, she was fidgeting and jittery and absolutely could not wait to get out there and perform the story.

00:23:37 Jay Shetty: The truth is that confidence is rarely about constant bravery. More often, it's about one bold moment. That moment you sign up for the course or the open mic night or to schedule that conversation with your boss. That instant you decide to take action. That's where you need real confidence. The rest, the doing, the performing, the negotiating can come off with learning and with precise practice. And now we're getting into the other component of confidence, the psychology. Contrary to what people often think, neither I nor anyone else can motivate you. We can't make you believe in yourself. That's an inside job. What I can do and what a great coach does is help you connect with your own internal motivation and belief. Here's what I love, the fact that you're listening to this, the fact that you're one of the people wondering, Jay, how can I be more confident? That fact alone tells me that you believe it's possible. Belief may be the single most powerful tool for building confidence. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, the originator of the idea of mindset, has shown that some of the most popular theories in psychology are only true if we believe them to be. For example, studies on decision fatigue showed that when people were put in a position where they had to make multiple decisions, all of this decision making resulted in decreased brain power. They didn't perform as well on challenging tasks afterwards.

00:10:02 Jay Shetty: It signals that you care how you do and about the outcome. In fact, when we're not at all nervous, sometimes we start to slack off and get complacent and not pay as much attention because we think, I've got this. A little nervousness shows humility, not low self-esteem. and humility keeps us focused. It's like if you've ever seen a basketball player get a ball on a breakaway and they're wide open, they go for the dunk and they miss it. They were so overconfident, they lost focus. Okay, so let's look at another aspect of confidence. When we lack confidence, why is that? For most of us, it's a fear of failure, right? A fear of rejection. and we're afraid of what that will tell us about ourselves that we can't do it and what it may tell others that we're losers. Not only that we failed, but that we are failures. Myth number four is that our failures define us. That's a myth, right? They don't define us. There's some truth to that, that they affect us, but not in a negative way. Failures can define us if we use them to move forward, but mostly we think that failure will finish us.

00:32:25 Jay Shetty: It's recharacterizing that you need. And here's my last strategy for building confidence. Let's go back to the idea of wrong approach. One of the key areas so many of us are really looking to build our confidence is in talking to others and in relationship building. Like we say, we're really bad at small talk, we get tongue tied, or we come on too strong or say something awkward. Here's my strategy for that. To build confidence in conversations, lead with curiosity. Here's the big secret. You don't have to do and say all the right things about yourself to get someone to like you or to want to work with you. True connection starts with paying attention. It starts with focusing on the other person. And we can do this simply by letting our curiosity guide us. You can start with a simple what brings you here or how do you like these kinds of events or on a zoom call you can focus in on something someone's wearing or art in the background or something around them to say hey what does that mean to you when did you get that have you visited that beautiful place in the background of your living room work of art or whatever it may be. Additionally, research shows that when two strangers are introduced, and when one mostly asks questions and listens to the other's answers, the person who did most of the talking reports high levels of liking the questioner and wanting to speak to them again. Plus, this approach takes the pressure off

00:08:44 Jay Shetty: She created confidence through precise practice. By the time they were announcing her on stage, she was fidgeting and jittery and absolutely could not wait to get out there and perform the story. And there's another myth that I want to dispel. Myth number three is that when we feel that fluttering in our chest and those cold hands or sweaty palms, we assume that's anxiety and fear, that it's our lack of confidence. The truth is that sometimes it's just excitement. The body signals are similar. The rapid heartbeat, the shaking hands. But sometimes we're too quick to label something as anxiety or fear that's really just getting our energy up to perform. To give the presentation. To go and introduce yourself. And research shows that if we tell ourselves in those moments that we're anxious and nervous, it actually leads to worse performance than if we tell ourselves we're just excited. So that's another little trick. Tell yourself you're excited and you'll feel more confident. I use this all the time when I'm about to go on stage, when I'm interviewing someone that I really admire for my podcast. Also, being a bit nervous isn't a bad thing. It signals that you care how you do and about the outcome. In fact, when we're not at all nervous, sometimes we start to slack off and get complacent and not pay as much attention because we think, I've got this.

00:10:02 Jay Shetty: It signals that you care how you do and about the outcome. In fact, when we're not at all nervous, sometimes we start to slack off and get complacent and not pay as much attention because we think, I've got this. A little nervousness shows humility, not low self-esteem. and humility keeps us focused. It's like if you've ever seen a basketball player get a ball on a breakaway and they're wide open, they go for the dunk and they miss it. They were so overconfident, they lost focus. Okay, so let's look at another aspect of confidence. When we lack confidence, why is that? For most of us, it's a fear of failure, right? A fear of rejection. and we're afraid of what that will tell us about ourselves that we can't do it and what it may tell others that we're losers. Not only that we failed, but that we are failures. Myth number four is that our failures define us. That's a myth, right? They don't define us. There's some truth to that, that they affect us, but not in a negative way. Failures can define us if we use them to move forward, but mostly we think that failure will finish us.

00:23:37 Jay Shetty: The truth is that confidence is rarely about constant bravery. More often, it's about one bold moment. That moment you sign up for the course or the open mic night or to schedule that conversation with your boss. That instant you decide to take action. That's where you need real confidence. The rest, the doing, the performing, the negotiating can come off with learning and with precise practice. And now we're getting into the other component of confidence, the psychology. Contrary to what people often think, neither I nor anyone else can motivate you. We can't make you believe in yourself. That's an inside job. What I can do and what a great coach does is help you connect with your own internal motivation and belief. Here's what I love, the fact that you're listening to this, the fact that you're one of the people wondering, Jay, how can I be more confident? That fact alone tells me that you believe it's possible. Belief may be the single most powerful tool for building confidence. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, the originator of the idea of mindset, has shown that some of the most popular theories in psychology are only true if we believe them to be. For example, studies on decision fatigue showed that when people were put in a position where they had to make multiple decisions, all of this decision making resulted in decreased brain power. They didn't perform as well on challenging tasks afterwards.

00:28:37 Jay Shetty: Now here's another specific tool you can use in these critical moments when confidence is called for. It's a little counterintuitive, but it really works for me. It's express gratitude. As I've said before, when we feel gratitude, we can't feel anxiety, fear, or apprehension. Before you go on stage, before you have that conversation, express gratitude for the opportunity. That also connects you with the power of humility and calms your nerves and lowers the stakes. Focusing on thankfulness quiets the ego. You can thank your teachers, your mentors, the moment, the opportunity. So, stop and breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth, and think of something you're truly grateful for about in that moment. And don't just think it, feel it in your body. As I always say, believe it in your body, mean it in your mind, and feel it in your heart. Another strategy for building confidence is to look at what's draining your confidence. I've talked in the past about removing negative energy from your life or at least minimizing the impact of negative people. But what about situations? You may have past experiences that are keeping you from being confident. To address those, we want to learn how to characterize situations and experiences properly. Remember that third story I told you about the actress who starred in two pilots that were picked up but she was dumped? That can be a confidence-crushing event.

00:05:00 Jay Shetty: Then there was an up-and-coming actress. She finally landed a part on a television pilot. The show was picked up for production, but she was not. Her part was recast, then she landed another pilot, and the same thing happened again. The show was purchased for production, only without her. She was replaced by another actor. It was discouraging, to say the least. For most of us, any of these situations would be enough to wreck our self-confidence. We've heard the old saying, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That sounds great, but it's not that easy, right? Similarly, I've heard people say, to build your confidence, you just need to do things, to try them and keep trying. There's some truth to that, for sure. But for most of us, especially if we've had the experiences, anything like those three stories I just shared with you, it's not so simple. That's myth number one about building confidence. That we can just do it. We can just try it. Here's the truth. There isn't one way to confidence. And most of us can't just do it. Because building confidence has two distinct components. And we have to pay attention to both if we want to be successful.

00:28:37 Jay Shetty: Now here's another specific tool you can use in these critical moments when confidence is called for. It's a little counterintuitive, but it really works for me. It's express gratitude. As I've said before, when we feel gratitude, we can't feel anxiety, fear, or apprehension. Before you go on stage, before you have that conversation, express gratitude for the opportunity. That also connects you with the power of humility and calms your nerves and lowers the stakes. Focusing on thankfulness quiets the ego. You can thank your teachers, your mentors, the moment, the opportunity. So, stop and breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth, and think of something you're truly grateful for about in that moment. And don't just think it, feel it in your body. As I always say, believe it in your body, mean it in your mind, and feel it in your heart. Another strategy for building confidence is to look at what's draining your confidence. I've talked in the past about removing negative energy from your life or at least minimizing the impact of negative people. But what about situations? You may have past experiences that are keeping you from being confident. To address those, we want to learn how to characterize situations and experiences properly. Remember that third story I told you about the actress who starred in two pilots that were picked up but she was dumped? That can be a confidence-crushing event.

00:06:08 Jay Shetty: Because building confidence has two distinct components. And we have to pay attention to both if we want to be successful. Those components are beliefs and behaviors. Myth number two about building confidence is that it's entirely about our psychology or our mindset. That it's entirely about our beliefs in ourselves. The truth is that when we feel a lack of confidence about certain situations, whether it's public speaking or asking someone out on a date, one reason can simply be a lack of practice. Confidence is based on our beliefs about ourselves, along with the behaviors we undertake. So we need to look at both the psychology of self-confidence and also the actual skills that enable and support us to be confident. I hope that makes sense. Let's look first at skills and behaviors. There's a great quote by championship coach Monica Aldama who says to her team, keep going until you get it right and then keep going until you can't get it wrong. Now, I'm sure you've all heard the advice that you have to practice if you want to get good at something to gain confidence. But it's not just any practice that matters. It's precise practice. You want to get super clear on the pieces of skills that need the most work or that are your weak spots and zero in on those. I have a friend who is really scared of getting on stage, as so many of us are. And yet, lots of her friends told her that she was really funny and should try an open mic night.

00:24:48 Jay Shetty: For example, studies on decision fatigue showed that when people were put in a position where they had to make multiple decisions, all of this decision making resulted in decreased brain power. They didn't perform as well on challenging tasks afterwards. Dweck's work showed that this was indeed true, but only for people who believed it was true. Those who didn't believe in the concept of decision fatigue did not experience either the same amount or any decrease in performance at all. If you believe you can become more confident, you've already taken the first and biggest psychological step to achieving it. Another way we can bridge the gap between where we are and the confidence we want to feel is by acting like you're already on the other side of that gap. Myth number eight is that you have to be confident to act with confidence. You've heard the advice to fake it until you make it. According to researcher Amy Cuddy, acting confident not only makes others see you as such, but more importantly, actually makes you more confident. Now, this isn't fakely being confident. This isn't pretending. It's practicing what a confident person does. For example, instead of waiting around for someone to talk to you, you may introduce yourself. That's not fake. It's not inauthentic. It's stepping forward into being confident. Cuddy observed groups of business school students and noticed that among them, there were two distinct types of body language. One was upright, open, and comfortable, taking up space.

00:24:48 Jay Shetty: For example, studies on decision fatigue showed that when people were put in a position where they had to make multiple decisions, all of this decision making resulted in decreased brain power. They didn't perform as well on challenging tasks afterwards. Dweck's work showed that this was indeed true, but only for people who believed it was true. Those who didn't believe in the concept of decision fatigue did not experience either the same amount or any decrease in performance at all. If you believe you can become more confident, you've already taken the first and biggest psychological step to achieving it. Another way we can bridge the gap between where we are and the confidence we want to feel is by acting like you're already on the other side of that gap. Myth number eight is that you have to be confident to act with confidence. You've heard the advice to fake it until you make it. According to researcher Amy Cuddy, acting confident not only makes others see you as such, but more importantly, actually makes you more confident. Now, this isn't fakely being confident. This isn't pretending. It's practicing what a confident person does. For example, instead of waiting around for someone to talk to you, you may introduce yourself. That's not fake. It's not inauthentic. It's stepping forward into being confident. Cuddy observed groups of business school students and noticed that among them, there were two distinct types of body language. One was upright, open, and comfortable, taking up space.

00:05:00 Jay Shetty: Then there was an up-and-coming actress. She finally landed a part on a television pilot. The show was picked up for production, but she was not. Her part was recast, then she landed another pilot, and the same thing happened again. The show was purchased for production, only without her. She was replaced by another actor. It was discouraging, to say the least. For most of us, any of these situations would be enough to wreck our self-confidence. We've heard the old saying, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That sounds great, but it's not that easy, right? Similarly, I've heard people say, to build your confidence, you just need to do things, to try them and keep trying. There's some truth to that, for sure. But for most of us, especially if we've had the experiences, anything like those three stories I just shared with you, it's not so simple. That's myth number one about building confidence. That we can just do it. We can just try it. Here's the truth. There isn't one way to confidence. And most of us can't just do it. Because building confidence has two distinct components. And we have to pay attention to both if we want to be successful.

00:15:37 Jay Shetty: I don't get a, you know, I do have a certificate for public speaking, not being geeky at all, but I do, but you don't get a certificate. You don't get like a qualification to show people, but because you've practiced that much, I know what it feels like to have to give a talk last minute. I know what it feels like for a topic to change. I know what it feels like to have to find the words to express yourself effectively in a moment. That's what gives you a sense of confidence. So ask yourself in your life, not what high-value skill you have. If you have one, that's great. But what high-value skill do you want to develop? And yes, it's going to take time. But that high-value skill is going to give you so much confidence. I know so many photographers that can walk into the room full of confidence because they know that they're going to get the best shot that night. And they know that because they've had to do that before under pressure, under very different circumstances. The third way to become confident is constantly learn new skills. So the last one is about going deep in one place. This is about knowing a little about a lot. So one way of developing confidence, which I highly recommend, is knowing a lot about a little. And this one is the opposite, where you want to learn a little about a lot.

00:07:27 Jay Shetty: I have a friend who is really scared of getting on stage, as so many of us are. And yet, lots of her friends told her that she was really funny and should try an open mic night. And as afraid as she was of getting up there and no one laughing, she really wanted to try it. So she got some information about a local storytelling show and she wrote her story. But she was still really nervous. What if she forgot? She couldn't use notes. What if she got distracted and lost her place? So she started using every free moment she had to practice her story. but she didn't just keep going over it. She noticed the parts where she was most likely to get stuck and practiced those more. And she not only practiced her words, but she also practiced keeping her focus, which is a separate skill. She practiced it at times and in places where she was likely to be distracted, like in the kitchen while cooking a meal or while commuting, so she could have the experience of having to pause, then picking up where she left off. When it came time to finally perform the story in front of a live audience of hundreds, it was a big success. And even though she often had to take unplanned pauses to account for the laughter, she never lost her place. She created confidence through precise practice. By the time they were announcing her on stage, she was fidgeting and jittery and absolutely could not wait to get out there and perform the story.

00:38:06

Jay Shetty: and then we'll reflect on how you can bet on yourself. So get comfortable wherever you are, seeing if you can release a little tension. And I'd like to try one of my favorite exercises here, adding neck stretches to the rhythm of your breath. So inhaling and lowering your left ear to your left shoulder and exhaling back to the middle. This time to the right, breathing in and down and exhaling back to center. As you find your own rhythm, see if you can bring your full attention to the feeling of the stretch. The idea is not to do the biggest stretch ever. It's just to become aware of your movement. Maybe you feel a sense of release. Maybe there's some tightness. Whatever you feel is okay. Keep tuning in. Now feel free to settle into stillness. And let's open this up. Think of a time when you settled for less than you thought you were really worth. When you wanted to go for something, but you didn't. What was holding you back? Fear? Complacency? Self-doubt? Next time, can you consider betting on yourself? If today's session made an impact on you, go ahead and share it with someone else so that they can bet on themselves too. Thank you for joining today.

00:06:08 Jay Shetty: Because building confidence has two distinct components. And we have to pay attention to both if we want to be successful. Those components are beliefs and behaviors. Myth number two about building confidence is that it's entirely about our psychology or our mindset. That it's entirely about our beliefs in ourselves. The truth is that when we feel a lack of confidence about certain situations, whether it's public speaking or asking someone out on a date, one reason can simply be a lack of practice. Confidence is based on our beliefs about ourselves, along with the behaviors we undertake. So we need to look at both the psychology of self-confidence and also the actual skills that enable and support us to be confident. I hope that makes sense. Let's look first at skills and behaviors. There's a great quote by championship coach Monica Aldama who says to her team, keep going until you get it right and then keep going until you can't get it wrong. Now, I'm sure you've all heard the advice that you have to practice if you want to get good at something to gain confidence. But it's not just any practice that matters. It's precise practice. You want to get super clear on the pieces of skills that need the most work or that are your weak spots and zero in on those. I have a friend who is really scared of getting on stage, as so many of us are. And yet, lots of her friends told her that she was really funny and should try an open mic night.

00:32:56 Jay Shetty: we'll be more willing to spend time pursuing our interests without needing the safety net of a companion. The activities you choose and what you learn about yourself from those activities will expand your self-awareness and help you make the most out of the time you spend alone. Confidence Once we're comfortable in solitude, we can work on our confidence. Oxford Languages Dictionary defines confidence as a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. Confidence is important in a relationship because it helps us talk to the person we like without seeking their approval or hinging our self-esteem on their reaction. When we aren't looking for them to validate our tastes and choices, we can appreciate their kind words without being misled or distracted by them. Sometimes a lack of confidence makes us think we're not lovable. You are lovable, I promise. But having me say it doesn't help you feel it. We build confidence by making time for the things that matter to us. If there are aspects of ourselves that we don't like, we should do something to change them. We have a choice. We can either change our mindset or change what we don't like. We need to get in the habit of assessing ourselves and making efforts to improve our own lives. When most people set goals, they do so around external achievements. They want to be financially free or to buy a home. But the goals we'll develop in this exercise center on growth, not achievement.

00:27:35 Jay Shetty: consistently the candidates the interviewers wanted to hire were those who'd done the high-power poses before the interview. Now, I don't actually call this fake it till you make it. If you can fake it, then it doesn't feel natural. But if it's in you, then it's not fake. You know what I mean? You're just using the idea of acting to help you initiate that burst of confidence you need. So I want you to try that. Try using power postures to boost your confidence. The next time you need to connect with that burst of confidence to give that presentation or to start that conversation, first do a power pose for at least two minutes. Now you're probably not going to want to do it standing in front of the person you want to talk to or a group that's assembled. That would be a little odd. But in an office or a break room, stand with your feet hip distance apart and with your hands on your hips, the superhero pose. Or do it in front of the mirror. Or even stretch your arms out in a V. Or make fists and thrust them in the air like you're Muhammad Ali and you've just won a match. The key is that whatever the pose, your spine is extended and your posture and the front of your body are open. Now here's another specific tool you can use in these critical moments when confidence is called for. It's a little counterintuitive, but it really works for me.

00:23:37 Jay Shetty: The truth is that confidence is rarely about constant bravery. More often, it's about one bold moment. That moment you sign up for the course or the open mic night or to schedule that conversation with your boss. That instant you decide to take action. That's where you need real confidence. The rest, the doing, the performing, the negotiating can come off with learning and with precise practice. And now we're getting into the other component of confidence, the psychology. Contrary to what people often think, neither I nor anyone else can motivate you. We can't make you believe in yourself. That's an inside job. What I can do and what a great coach does is help you connect with your own internal motivation and belief. Here's what I love, the fact that you're listening to this, the fact that you're one of the people wondering, Jay, how can I be more confident? That fact alone tells me that you believe it's possible. Belief may be the single most powerful tool for building confidence. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, the originator of the idea of mindset, has shown that some of the most popular theories in psychology are only true if we believe them to be. For example, studies on decision fatigue showed that when people were put in a position where they had to make multiple decisions, all of this decision making resulted in decreased brain power. They didn't perform as well on challenging tasks afterwards.

00:26:03 Jay Shetty: Cuddy observed groups of business school students and noticed that among them, there were two distinct types of body language. One was upright, open, and comfortable, taking up space. The other was closed and compact. People were slouching and making themselves small. Kadhi also noticed that the group with bigger body language participated in the classes more than the reserved group. She started to wonder what would happen if the small group took on the postures of the big group. So she created a study where for 2 minutes people would assume what she called a high power pose. Like standing with your feet wide and your hands on your hips or a low power pose such as being in a chair and slumped. then each participant answered a series of questions and played a game involving gambling Researchers also took a saliva sample to get some physiological data Kadhi and her team found that people who did the high power poses were far more likely to gamble which they noted was an indicator of confidence But this is where it gets super interesting They also had a 20% increase in testosterone which is also associated with confidence and a 25% decrease in the stress hormone cortisol just from holding a high-power posture for 2 minutes. Those who held the low-power posture experienced a 20% drop in testosterone and a 15% increase in cortisol. In a follow-up study, Cuddy and her team had participants do high or lower power poses before stressful job interviews. consistently the candidates the interviewers wanted to hire were those who'd done the high-power poses before the interview. Now, I don't actually call this fake it till you make it.

00:22:22 Jay Shetty: I might never have ended up where I am today, as someone who's now done thousands of talks and videos and podcast episodes, if it wasn't for my parents. When I was age 11, they enrolled me in an after-school drama and public speaking program that I attended three hours a day, three days a week, for seven years. If we want to become more confident, we have to be honest with ourselves that sometimes it's because we're put off by the effort it will take to become truly good at whatever it is we want to do. We think we have to jump this enormous gap to get from where we are to where we want to be. And yes, if I tried to go from the crying kid on the stage to podcast host and public speaker, it would have been a huge leap. But because I was in that seven-year program, because I then created a club at my college where I was a weekly presenter, because I then taught classes to my fellow monks, each of those things made that gap smaller. I've now been public speaking since I was 11. I'm 33. That's 22 years of speaking experience. But I get it. It can still be really hard to get on the path. Here's what I want you to realize. Being confident isn't about having unending courage. That's myth number seven. The truth is that confidence is rarely about constant bravery. More often, it's about one bold moment.